180: The Real Reason Why Smart Women Stay Silent And How to Break the Pattern

Why do the smartest, most capable women stay quiet in meetings, on LinkedIn, and in their careers while others with less experience speak confidently? 

In this episode, I break down the real reasons behind women’s silence (spoiler: it’s not a confidence problem), how it quietly hurts your career, and how to start speaking up in small, safe ways that build real confidence over time.

If you’ve ever held back from sharing your ideas, posting online, or putting your face out there because you’re afraid of being judged, wrong, or 'too much', this episode is for you.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• What the 'confidence gap' really looks like in real life
• 3 core reasons smart women stay silent: conditioning, safety, perfectionism
• How silence quietly harms your career, visibility and opportunities
• Simple ways to recognise you’re already competent, confident and full of potential
• 3 practical steps to start speaking up and being seen (without shocking your nervous system)
• How tools like MAP, journaling and affirmations can help you shift your identity over time

Visit my website to join the newsletter or book a free discovery call: https://sharonsinghsidhu.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Hello there and welcome back to another episode of the podcast. So today's episode is kind of inspired by a conversation I recently had with my daughter about the confidence gap. And if you've never heard about the confidence gap before, this is about how you know, like a lot of studies and research has been done to show that you know when both um a woman and a man goes and applies for a job or even to ask for a raise, in the first place, a lot of women don't even ask for and negotiate their pay, um, whereas guys always will. And when it comes to job applications, you you know, it's um the research has found that men, uh more men, a higher percentage of men would actually apply for jobs that they are actually, in reality, a little less qualified for, but they'll go into the interview and speak as if they are the perfect person for the job. They are fully more than capable and competent to do the job. Whereas women, on the other hand, they will tend to go in and they will say, Yeah, I really want this job, I'm really hungry. I'm uh to to um you know do what I can or do whatever it takes. Uh, I'm a quick learner and all of that. And they always kind of pitch themselves as um not being quite at the level or that is required for the job, but they are willing to work harder. And this is known as the confidence gap, right? And we see this all the time as well in the working world. We can sometimes see that in a meeting room, in the you know, in in corporate, that the most capable women stay silent while others will speak loudly, vocally, confidently. And it's not that they are less competent, uh, and it's not that the person who speaks louder is uh more competent, often that's not even the case, right? Um, and that you know, visibility really is not about intelligence. So when you see some people on LinkedIn, they seem like, oh, they're so smart and they are so capable and so competent, and they are a thought leader, and so they're very visible, right? But that doesn't necessarily mean they are like the smartest person in the room. Um, and so I wanted to talk about this topic today. That really, when it comes to confidence, I know a lot of us women talk about wanting to be more confident, uh, to present ourselves more confidently, and whether it's online on LinkedIn to uh speak about our expertise or even in in in person, right? In our roles. So it's not so much so much an issue of competence, but it is more about safety and conditioning. And you know, it is not the fault of yours, it's um no one's fault. I think it's just an outcome, a function of the society we grew up in and the conditioning as a result of it, right? And so today I wanted to come on here to talk about um this topic and specifically what I want to cover are three points. Um, first of all, why smart women stay silent, second of all, how this can hurt your career, and third of all, what can you do about it? So let's get started. So the first point, why smart women stay silent? So I kind of mentioned this earlier on. So it is actually um not because of a lack of competence. In fact, we often see less competent people actually speak more, right, and be more visible and like talk a really big game, but actually it's a result of conditioning. Conditioning um and the stories that we've been told and we've been programmed to believe. A lot of it comes from childhood and the society. Uh, girls often are taught that you know that they're to be if they're a good girl, if they are not loud and they're agreeable and they don't, you know, be troublesome, right? Um, and of course, in corporate and also in social media now, obviously, there's this uh you know this conditioning it's all that takes place that you know we need to be polished, we need to be perfect, you need to have perfect hair, perfect everything, makeup and all. Um, and then you also cannot come across as being too much, right? Because in, you know, sometimes in the workplace we feel like, oh, you know, that's that's too much if you ask, and you're too you'll be seen as too aggressive and like too much of a bitch, and so you cannot do that, right? Um, and then in motherhood, a lot of us are conditioned to be agreeable. There's so many stakeholders, right? In-laws, your husband, then the kids, um, the extended family, to so there is like this kind of unspoken pressure to not rock to vote, you know, be agreeable, don't draw so much attention to our family. And so all of this, all of these unconscious conditioning, then you know, kind of like programs us to be quiet and stay silent and don't say too much. Um, I think also in the Asian culture, that's also the the the culture and the values around it, as well as being submissive and being obedient and being compliant, and that is actually like if a child is compliant, it makes you a good child, but if you are a little bit more challenging and you ask too many questions, you know, that's actually not a good, you're not being a good child, and so um, or not being a good girl, and so that's all this conditioning. Um, that's the first one. The second thing why smart women might actually stay silent is because of this sense of safety. Uh, you know, in the workplace, uh especially for women, I think in the workplace, speaking up can often seem to be aggressive uh and that's not likable, or maybe you're trying to be so smart, you know, who you think you are. Um, and so then what happens is we have this then fear of judgment. We don't want to be seen as that person, right? We don't want to um we're worried about how we come across, we're worrying about being wrong because obviously in school you ace, you're an ace student if you get all the answers right. Um and there is like an answer sheet against which you're marked against, right? And that's how you score your A's. And so we grow up being conditioned. I mean, it's kind of like conditioned, but it makes it very unsafe when we feel like we're going to be judged for having the wrong answer. Um, we're going to be dismissed, uh, you know, and like not taken seriously or criticized. And so when we keep quiet, it's actually our own safety mechanism to keep ourselves safe, um, not to draw too much attention, not to be seen as not knowing what you're talking about, and not to be too much. And so there's all of this sense of safety as well. And then the third thing is um, I think it kind of like is connected, then this uh idea of being perfect, being the good girl, being perfect. So there is this wanting to be perfect, and so perfectionism comes in. You you kind of want to make sure you've got all the answers, you need to go through all the courses, you need to take all the certifications, get all the qualifications before you feel qualified to talk about it and share your experience and share your expertise. Uh, you know, waiting until you have the perfect answer, the making sure your website looks perfect, making sure like your LinkedIn is impeccable and no one can fault you, you know, for for anything and what you say and your opinions, right? And so then um again it kind of like goes back to being made to feel wrong or being made to feel no good if we don't conform. And so there's this idea of you know, the third thing being we need to be perfect. And so with these three like conditioning, the sense of safety or a lack of safety, and then the need to be perfect, that's the reason why a lot of actually very capable, competent, smart women will rather choose to be silent because that is a safer way to be. But you know, that kind of comes to my second point that when we do that, actually it hurts our career. Um, I guess you kind of could, you know, kind of get it right intuitively. You you get it, you have all these uh competence, you have all this knowledge, you have all this expertise, but you're not sharing it, people don't know about it, and so obviously you're not going out there and being visible and kind of promoting yourself about it and talking about it, then of course no one's going to actually know how capable you really are, how much you can actually contribute, and that can hurt your career because also when we stay silent um or quiet and we choose not to be too out there, too loud or too outspoken, then we can also be perceived by others as less competent, less confident, and have less potential. Um, and with all of that, then we actually have less opportunities, right? So I always believe that opportunities are always a plenty, there's not a lack of opportunity, but we do need to go out and and get it, you know, and we do need to like draw it to us. I would say, I guess, like I'm more into the law of attraction, so I don't like so much to kind of like chasing, it's not so much about chasing it, but we need to be the version of ourselves that that magnetizes the opportunity and attracts the opportunity to us, and that means that we want to be a certain way, and that certain way isn't hiding, isn't being silent and not sharing our our knowledge, our experience, and our expertise. And in case you're wondering, no, no, I really have no experience, I really have no capability, I'm not competent, you know, I'm just not good enough yet, I still don't have enough experience and whatnot. You know, here are some signs that you are, in fact, already competent. If anyone has ever come to you, approach you to ask for help. Um, that is a sign that you're competent. I mean, at work, when people come to you to ask you about, oh, how does a process work? You know, maybe it's within your scope of work and people don't know how it works. Like a simple case of even submitting a claim. Let's say you're the person who processes it and seems like it's such lowly work and so back end, but you know more than this other very senior person who's just come to you to ask, okay, so how do I go about getting my money back? For example, right? That means you have competence, you have competence in an area, right? Whether it's a process competence or it's uh um tacit knowledge around the organization, people like who's the right person, this that you need to talk to to help you with this other thing. That's all that's all competence, you know, and that's valuable. The second sign is that you're confident, actually. And so the first one is you're competent. The second one is another sign that you're confident is think about something that you do very well today. You probably are completely unconscious about it already at this point, but that you used to struggle with in the past when you first started out. Maybe it was something that you were very unsure of, very uncertain of, don't know where to go, find the thing, don't know who to talk to, don't know what's the next step, and then you've you found out right, you learned along the way, and then now you're so good at it that maybe even other people come and ask you about it. So, you know, that's that's a sign of how you had gone from someone who didn't know and to someone who's very confident about what you're doing now because you have just gone through it so many times, so practice and repetition, right? And then the third sign that you actually have potential is actually the the potential, the possibilities are infinite, right? There's like an infinite infinite possibilities out there, and it's just a matter of which one you choose to kind of materialize and to act on. So when you act on it, then it materializes into the 3D physical world. It's kind of like we have access to infinite ideas, you know. Sometimes we think, oh, we're not creative, um, I don't know how to solve a problem, I know I I don't have any new ideas. It's not so much about just new ideas, but actually when we start to take action and we start to act on things, or whether it's an inspiration, maybe it's just some random thought, right? And maybe it leads to something and maybe it doesn't. But the moment we start to take action on it, we immediately materialize it and bring it into the material world, right? And so the thing is we all have access to this infinite potential, infinite possibilities. Honestly, anything out there is really possible, um, then we can always go into the other question of well, how likely is it, how probable is it? And and then it's a matter of well, how badly do you want it, right? And how much are you willing, how far are you willing to go for it? So the thing is, you know, it's the possibilities are endless, right? And so this is why I wanted you to kind of like reframe a little bit and shift the way you see this. Um, but if you continue to stay silent, then obviously that's going to not really be very helpful, right? Because no one's gonna know um all these things that are existing in your head, and so that's why by keeping silent it actually can harm our careers. And so then what you might be wondering, what can I do about it? Okay, I know that you know um I'm keeping quiet because it feels very unsafe for me to speak and um to share and to be like you know, openly and publicly talk about what I know and my expertise, and I know that if I don't do that, it hurts my career. But then how do I even go about doing it right? Well, here are three action steps for you. So the first is I think start small because it's no point you um trying to push yourself when it feels very, very unsafe, it's never gonna be sustainable. Uh, and also there there is such a thing that maybe we sometimes we need to take the step-by-step approach because maybe we're not really at the capacity to be able to handle all of that big steps yet, right? And so, yes, for sure, we can take a wild leap forward, right? A leap of faith, right? Forward, I prefer to take like a step-by-step, you know. For me, even in terms of building my business, it has always been a very gradual process because um, I my my point of view, I believe that I want to actually enjoy the process, so there's only so much you can keep perpetually, continually be in the kind of zone of discomfort, right? Outside of your comfort zone, it gets very draining and exhausting. And then the other thing is sometimes you just totally don't want to do it anymore, you just get to the point of no return where you don't even want to try anymore if you're burnt really, really badly. But no matter how badly you're burnt, the the thing is you can always recover, right? But I just choose to do it in a more gradual approach, and so the first thing that you can do about it is to start with like smaller, safer micro steps. So, for example, if it's like you it's the first time you're on LinkedIn, or you don't really um dare, or feel you feel uncomfortable to share your thoughts and opinions and ideas and perspectives out there, and just putting it all out there, maybe that feels very scary and unsafe for you, then just comment on someone's post. That's the first step, or comment on someone's comment, even like start a conversation in the comments, right? That could be one example of a very safe micro step, right? The second thing you can do about it in terms of like starting to step out and share more confidently is um change your belief systems and stories around it because we know that it is a product of not just safety but also conditioning, right? And so the conditioning came and arose uh because of certain stories we have been either fed or led to believe or concluded ourselves based on our own experience. And the thing about beliefs is that you can always change them, they are not like they are not like um universal laws or physical laws like law of gravity, right? You you can't really change that no matter how much you say, okay, I'm gonna jump off this this cliff and uh I don't believe in the law of gravity and I'm going to fly. I mean, if you don't have the necessary tools or a parachute, you're not going to fly, you're just going to be pulled down by gravity, right? But when it comes to your belief systems, it's a different thing. Um, it's it's basically a story that you've been telling yourself over and over again until it feels like the truth. But the truth is it's not. Uh, you can always change it. And so the idea that, oh, if I speak up, then I am I'm not a good girl, or if I disagree, I'm not a good girl, I'm not being compliant and obedient, and that's not good. That is a belief system, and so we can always change that, right? Um, we can see speaking up as sharing my expertise. It could be a mission, like it could be helping someone, you know, by sharing your expertise. You're actually helping someone who I might actually be in pain or suffering and is like alone, feeling like she's the only one who is experiencing this, but she's not, and when you speak up about it, you're actually helping this person, and so that's a very different story to tell that makes it something that you will want more willingly to do, right? To help someone, um, and and maybe change the belief system around the wrong answer, the right answer. We're not in school anymore, right? I mean, unless you're in a very technical field where there is literally a guidebook and an SOP that tells you this is actually not the correct answer. When it comes to your opinions, you know, it's your opinion, right? And it's your perspective. And so there's no such thing as a wrong opinion or a wrong experience. Like if you are sharing your experience, no one can come and tell you and say, Oh, that's the wrong answer, that's the wrong experience. It doesn't make sense, right? It is my experience, I live through it, and so I'm talking about it, right? And so there is no wrong answer when it comes to sharing your perspective on things. Um, so there's only different opinions, different perspectives, again, not something better or worse, but just different. And then the third thing you can do about it is to really work on your identity and shift your identity because the thing about, like, you know, the conditioning and perfectionism, um, all of these things are how uh you know, I put them all under identity, your image, your self-image, your belief system, all of this can't come under the identity, right? And so you can always shift your identity, like from someone who stays silent, who is very timid and afraid to speak because you're you don't want to sound like a fool and you don't want to get the wrong answer, you don't want to look like you're a smart ass, and you don't want to seem like you're arrogant or aggressive. I mean, all of these stories, this image that we make up of a person or a woman, especially who speaks up, that's like an identity, right? And so we can step away from that identity that we have been conditioned to believe. Like all of these behaviors leads you to become a certain identity than that was actually programmed in us and conditioned by society and whatnot. Um, but now we can actually choose to step into a different identity. We can recreate this new identity of someone who, you know, who speaks up because she's got a a great big giving heart to want to share her experience and help someone, you know, um, someone who is very real and very genuine and who talks about her experiences, her lived experience because she wants to help someone out, you know, like there are all these different ways you can kind of shift your identity. And how I do it is um by this technique called the map method. And so, map method is uh just simple commands that we give to our brains, our minds to kind of to release any feelings of fear or resistance. Uh, often it it's it feels scary because it's like first of all, it's very new, it is an unknown, and so of course, as human beings, we our survival instinct kicks in the moment there is uncertainty when things are not known. Um, and so learning how to handle that and how to release that fear when things are uncertain and unknown. I use the map method again, just simple commands that we will give to the brain, and really just kind of like change the way you think, like really brainwashing it to a certain extent. But that's how we rewire and change those pathways so that they don't keep going back to the old grooves of hiding because we're afraid, but actually to see and assess is this an immediate um threat or uh dangerous to me, and if it's not, then learning how to um feel those difficult or scary emotions and learning how to handle it, and learning how to still be level-headed, clear-headed, and still be able to act in spite of that scary feeling. That's what the map method helps us to do. And then, of course, you know, for me, I I really like the um drawing from ancient wisdom, like the Kabbalah, and using things like mantras and affirmations. I I have been journaling for over a decade now, and my journaling process has evolved. It used to be just I didn't know what to talk to write about, and then I just write whatever random thing comes into my mind. Over the years, you know, my practice has become more intentional, and it has been a combination of visualizing the life and then experiencing it like as if it is now, like as if that my dream life is happening now because I want to step into that emotion, I want to step into that identity, and so I do a lot of affirmations. Um, I write out my affirmations, and then repeatedly, because we know practice and repetition, that is really how your brain structure changes, the pathways actually get rearranged, right? And so, what used to be something you used to do a lot before, it's like a groove, right? That's a really thick, I mean, very deep, like walking through that patch of long grass, you've walked over it for years, and so that path is very, very ingrained. But when we want to change path, it feels uncomfortable because now we have to forge a new path, and then over time, that old path in the grass grows over, you don't walk on that anymore, and you walk on the new path, which then you know, like the the path becomes clearer and clearer, and because you know the grass is not growing so tall anymore, and so that becomes your new path. So that's literally what repetition practice, you know, and and replacing more positive affirmations, more uplifting ones, and more empowering ones. That's actually what's happening, right? And so, map accelerates that whole process. Journaling is something that I love to do anyway, I get a lot of ideas and inspiration, and then I work that in as well. And so, I think, like in combination, this is literally how you can then shift your identity and then assume a completely different identity. You're basically changing yourself into a different person. But if you want to um show up and be confident and speak and uh feel confident and all of that, right, you really need to step into a new identity, right? You can't be living like that old identity of being someone who is worried about getting the wrong answer, who is very timid about um what people will say, and then just more worried about how others are seeing you, like quite focused on yourself, as opposed to someone who actually would actually be believing in their message and wanting to help, and believing that their experience has a lot of value, um, and who does not need external validation because you know that you are whole and complete and you validate yourself from internally, then like you can see how those are like two different people, and so what we're trying to do here is trying to get you to shift when we shift the identity, we are shifting you into become a different person, right? And so that's what we're doing. When when the third point, I mean the third way that you you can do something about it is to shift your identity. Okay, so I have spoken quite a bit, and let me just quickly summarize now. So, just a few key things that I talked about today why smart women stay silent. Um, it is not so much that you lack confidence. I mean, this is a huge word, right? Lacking confidence and then wanting to build confidence. It's not about pushing yourself out there to like just stand up and speak in front of everyone impromptu, um, and then just overcome your fear. I mean, maybe it works for some people. My approach is a little bit more gradual and sustainable, and so I prefer to address the issue of safety conditioning and perfectionism because that's the reason why smart women, you know, we keep quiet and we don't want to say, even though we have a lot of thoughts and opinions, and we have a lot of things we actually are in our minds, but if it feels unsafe, we're not gonna say it, right? And then it's also a result of conditioning, and this needs to be perfect. And how this can hurt your career when you are keeping quiet, then you might be perceived as less competent, less confident. You might be perceived as someone who has maxed out on your potential, you know, you can't go any further, and so you don't get the opportunities, right? And we know that that is not true because we know there are many signs that we are already competent, we are confident and we have access to infinite potential. Yeah, and the third thing I talked about is then what actionable steps can you take, right? To then um overcome this fear or this sense of uh unsafety. And that is first of all, start small, right? Start with the the steps that feel less unsafe, right? And gradually work your way up. Maybe start with just sharing a comment if you are not used to posting your thoughts and opinions, right, on LinkedIn or wherever it is that you go. Um, second thing is to change your belief systems. So this is where it's all about telling the story, telling a different story. A belief system is just a story you that was made up, and you can change that story about what it means, like put new meanings to what it means to speak up, to share your perspective, to um you know, share a different point of view, even right. And then the third thing that you can do is to shift your identity, you know, do identity work. You can use the map method if you're not sure what that is, you know, just drop me a DM and I can share more about it. Um, but I kind of talked a little bit about it just now earlier on, and you know, use things like journal, use affirmations, basically anything that's going to help you to become a different person. That's really what shifting identity means. And so your action steps from today's episode would be first of all, just to simply identify one or two or three, right, micro steps that feel safe for you to do to share your knowledge and expertise. Okay, the second thing is to start to change your belief system, and that's a different story you want to tell yourself. For example, my experience and everything I've gone through is valuable and I can use it to help one person, right? As opposed to my I don't have enough experience yet, I'm not qualified enough yet. Two different stories, right? And so we want to take on the more empowering story and start repeating and telling ourselves that new empowering story. And the third action step you can take is to write down, maybe write down one or two positive affirmations or mantras um to tell a different story. Like, for example, a very simple one could be just a statement, right? What's a mantra affirmation to me? It's just a statement, it's an empowering statement, um, a summary of the story you want to tell. So maybe my perspective is valid because I've lived it. And I feel like whenever we share from a place of our lived experience, it's a lot easier and we can be confident about it. No one can take that away from us because it is our own lived experience, and then just reflect on your experiences and draw out the insights and lessons. And you know, if there are new things you're doing as a result of your experience, try it out and then share. Share with us what that experience was like. What was the lesson you learned? How did you continue to adjust things? And then when you adjusted things, what happened? Yeah, just like it's basically just a process, right? You're just sharing the process. Um, and then when you have this affirmation, just read it to yourself every day or write it out every day. Like for me, I have like a couple of affirmations I write every single day, twice a day. That's how I'm reprogramming and kind of shifting my own identity, and so I do it through my journaling practice. You can maybe if you don't like journaling, you can record it as a voice note and play bit play it back, or maybe you'll write it down and just have it somewhere that you can see, you know, every day. Um, and so that's those are just some very three simple action steps you can take to really start to step out, share your expertise, you know, um feel less afraid, right? Um, and I hope those are useful for you. So that's all I have for you for this week's episode. Um, if you enjoyed the episode and it was useful, please consider joining um not joining, following the show, uh following the show on wherever you're listening to the podcast, share it with someone else that you think could benefit from it, and maybe y'all can try these things out together. Uh, and for sure, if you're interested in getting updated about new episodes and receiving my weekly newsletter, then subscribe. You can go over to my website which is sharensingoo.com. I'll leave the link as well in the show notes. And finally, if you are someone, a woman who's actually trying to step out and you feel a little bit afraid, you want to share your expertise confidently, uh, then you know book a discovery call with me and we can explore how to do that and see if we are a good fit to work together. So, again, if you are interested in that, also go to my website. There's a tab that says discovery, and you can click on that and just book a call with me. It's over at sharensing.com. Okay, then I will talk to you again in the next episode. Take care now. Bye.